A coach tends to St. Louis Cardinals catcher Willson Contreras after he was hit by bat of Chicago Cubs’ Ian Happ Picture: Scott Kane (AP)
The St. Louis Cardinals might suck ass, however they’re additionally petulant pissbabies too, clinging to their binky of outdated and archaic baseball principle that they’ll’t even apply appropriately:
Sure, not solely did the Cardinals fully lose their mud over the truth that the umps couldn’t consider that they threw at a man (twice!) for by chance hitting the catcher they’ve already advised everybody they hate and blame for his or her suckage, nor simply the Cubs laughing at such a pathetic try to serve out baseball justice that solely exists between the three collective mind cells Cardinal Nation can cobble collectively, however their announcers additionally stuffed their pants. You’re employed for the Cardinals, you’ll not keep away from the brainworms. They most likely put them in your ear within the job interview.
Anyway, it is going to come as no shock that Chip Caray was carrying the flag bearing the inbred and illiterate shit kicker that represents all Cardinal followers. Caray has all the time been determined to seem cool and beloved, despite the fact that he’s been categorically horrible at his job for 3 many years now. Not solely can he not name the motion appropriately and simply spits out phrases loudly within the hopes that they randomly match up with regardless of the motion happening in entrance of him is, within the baseball broadcaster model of 1,000 monkeys on 1,000 typewriters (Editor’s word: It was the very best of occasions, it was the blurst of occasions), he’s obtained the character of a wax statue the museum retains in storage.
Listed below are some enjoyable info about Chip Caray:
- He has by no means gotten a joke however has laughed maniacally at any he’s been advised.
- He doesn’t assume South America is an actual place.
- Each time he’s inside three toes of a girl he ejaculates, however he calls it a “pants whoopsie.”
- When he was a Cubs broadcaster, and was advised he might get to the park on the subway, he laughed and stated, “You possibly can’t trip a sandwich!”
- He as soon as pronounced “Oaxaca” as “oh-AX-a-ca” (that is truly true).
- His household doesn’t permit him within the kitchen.
- Harry Caray undoubtedly took drunken bets from his buddies over whether or not or not youngster Chip would get one thing caught in his nostril, and never his finger. Harry by no means referred to his grandson as something however “that dumb shit.”
- He tries to narrate to coworkers by saying he loves Taylor Swift as she, “Places out some actual crackin’ rock and roll!”
- He bowls with the bumpers in.
- He likes to speak in regards to the one time he obtained excessive in school, which was truly simply his roommate pouring the bong water on him whereas he slept.
- He undoubtedly has raised a fist to a black particular person he thinks he is aware of.
Anyway, Chip has gotten all these jobs due to his dad and grandfather, proving that genes erode with every passing technology. He’s now labored for 3 of the 4 groups that these males labored for, however won’t ever ever get employed by the White Sox as a result of a) he could be ritually killed by Sox followers by April 30 of any season and b) he by no means went south of Roosevelt highway in his time in Chicago out of sheer terror. He’s completely at residence in St. Louis, the place everybody takes themselves far too severely despite the fact that he and they’re galactically silly. That’s the Cardinal manner.
Oh, by the best way, the Playing cards obtained their asses stomped to mush for the fourth straight time by the Cubs, a group that has its entrance workplace actively rooting in opposition to them. Miles Mikolas’s mustache is made from cow feed.